By Kate Wellham
Yoga as a spiritual practice is so very old. And by that, I don’t just mean that it has its roots in the Vedic period of ancient India, influenced the very beginnings of budding Buddhism, and has held deep significance for millions of people for generations. No. I mean yoga as a spiritual practice is old news.
In fact, if you still think it’s even as much as a physical exercise regime, I hate to inform you that you’re way behind the times. It’s ok though, this guide will help you to master the latest iteration: noga. By 2023, yoga in the Western world is, you know, more of a vibe. It’s a sort of idea of something you might be about to do at some point, but never actually do. Yet despite never actually doing yoga, you can still live that yoga life, and seem like the sort of person who does yoga.
Welcome to noga — or ‘no yoga’ , if you must use its full title. So let’s look at all the things you can do that are yoga, without – and I cannot stress this enough – ever actually doing any yoga.
Find the backdrops
Picture a beautiful beach at sunrise, not a soul around, a calm ocean lapping lazily at the shore. Some might say this is the perfect setting in which to use your body to make a series of physically demanding shapes that concentrate your mind into a meditative state, while connecting you with nature and calming your soul.
But that would be yoga, so you’re not doing that. Instead just take a photo in your best ‘namaste’ post and let Instagram imagine the rest. Congratulations, you just did Noga. Noga is also the perfect activity should you find yourself in the mountains, at a hippy music festival, in the desert, in the forest, by a lake, or on the balcony of a luxury hotel.
The only thing that matters is that you document the setting, with you in it, looking as though you may be about to/may just have done some yoga.
Dress the part
Yoga pants (the clue is in the name) are a key wardrobe staple for women the world over. There are very expensive brands you can wear to hint to strangers that you must do all your yoga at luxurious locations. But you do not; firstly because you never do yoga, and secondly because you cannot afford to go to luxury locations, because you have spent all your money on expensive yoga pants.
But pretending to be the sort of person who does yoga is actually a very economically accessible passtime, and there are yoga pants to be found at general clothing stores to suit every budget. Social media is full of women in yoga pants talking about how great their yoga pants make them look, and then trying to sell you those same yoga pants (#ad) but these women are never, ever doing yoga. Ever. And neither are you, you just wear the pants. Noga.
Cropped baggy hoodies are another Noga trend that says ‘hey, I’m kind of chilly at the moment, because I haven’t warmed up by doing my yoga yet, but I’m just about to start doing yoga’. You will never take the hoodie off, because you will never warm up, because you will never start doing yoga, because you do not do any yoga.
Headbands, too, hint heavily that you need to keep your hair out of your eyes while doing some yoga. These headbands will stay on your head all day and keep your hair out of your eyes for a huge range of activities such as cleaning your teeth in the morning, driving to work, getting lunch, grocery shopping, making dinner, watching TV, and cleaning your teeth before bed. What they will never ever do is keep your hair out of your eyes while doing any yoga. You know why? Because you never do any yoga.
Get the accessories
If you’re going to do yoga regularly you’re going to need the kind of bag that’s roomy enough to hold a change of clothes, a towel and a rolled-up yoga mat, and is comfortable enough to carry around. Equally, if you’re regularly not doing any yoga, you’re also going to need this kind of bag, just so you look like the kind of person who does yoga.
It’s also extremely important that you carry around a gigantic reusable water bottle at all times. This must remain in your hand and must be constantly sipped on. Doing yoga is thirsty work, and so is not doing yoga.
Eat right
Nothing says ‘I’m on my way to yoga’ like a healthy smoothie full of fruit and vegetables. You must not under any circumstances make this smoothie yourself; instead this smoothie must be sold to you at a price for which you could buy all the raw ingredients five times over.
This is because you are far too busy to make smoothies yourself at home, because you are always on the go, because you are on your way to yoga. I must remind you, however, that you never actually make it to yoga. And nothing says ‘I’m on my way home from yoga’ like calling into a very high end health food store to buy the kind of raw ingredients that make it look like you’re about to feed a small petting zoo full of fussy eaters.
What you’re actually going to do with these ingredients is put them in your fridge, and occasionally look at them every time you open the fridge door to reach for something more appetising. What you have bought is not groceries but an art installation that will gradually go off.
Oh, and you never made it to yoga. Namastayathome instead.